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Healing from Infidelity: Stop Defending the 10%
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
- Samuel discusses a trap many unfaithful spouses fall into in recovery.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
The betrayed is hurt because of the injustice that was done to them and now the unfaithful is concerned about truth when they were being deceitful and lying to their spouse. Now they feel injustice.
My wife kept using those little excuses to defend her behavior. I had to keep reminding her there is no excuse for what she did. No excuse will justify her actions because she has admitted she knew she was wrong and her actions would hurt people.
She even tried using the excuse that her AP was having a bad marriage, as if that mattered to me that MY wife was having an affair.
Very helpful! Sometimes I just needed him to stop being so defensive an let me vent about how hurt I was . I just wanted him to see how I saw the whole affair An it’s impact . Once he stopped being defensive and actually listened even if I was wrong on some stuff ....... I felt validated an ready to move to healing. Excellent video! God bless you An Samantha ! Such wonderful videos
thank you so much for the encouragement. so glad you're here.
I'm going through the same now. For months he would deny when my gut said otherwise. When one of the girls messaged me he was still in denial. After I chose to go home to family. It really sunk in, still on defensive but now I'm starting to get validation and I see his growth and feel like I'm being seen. I'm grateful for this channel.
Helped me the past month or two and to also empathize whilst not falling under traps of wishful thinking.
My partner told me he feels better to clear the air. I'm so proud of him, me and us.
Just want to let you guys know that in the week following our 'discovery' these videos have helped me immensely in restoring faith and love in my relationship. We are far from complete resolution but these talks empowered me to think and speak rationally, and heroically, about our feelings. I don't know where we would be if I didn't find the help on this channel.
so incredibly honored to be a part of your recovery and to help. thanks for watching and commenting my friend.
Agreed and same here brother
Completely agree. We started with marriage counseling first and it was so rough until the unfaithful started going alone for his ptsd and anxiety. And our counselor is so focused on his recovery I think I need find a separate person. We're 8 months in and I'm doing ok just can't get passed the fear of him maybe doing it again and just hiding it better next time.. 😞
I don’t think that fear ever truly goes away. My pastor told me that no one is beyond temptation to have an affair. While this may be true, some people choose to avoid temptation while others dont. Actions tend to become easier the more they are done, so repeat affairs are sadly a common occurrence.
My husband has been unfaithful and he has cheated and lied for so long, and now he wants me to believe that he isn't lying now.......
Same. The benefit of the doubt he keeps asking for is annoyingly disrespectful to my face because who in the heck would actually think they are not still lying or even has the credibility to show they aren’t a lying liar.
We found these videos 15 months after I found out about my wife's affair. I wish we would have found these in the beginning. I do not want to leave my wife. We have been married for 26 years when it happened. We were struggling. We are doing so much better. It's only been a month but knowing everything we were going through is normal. My anger her avoiding speaking about it are becoming easier and easier every day. THANK YOU DAVE
honored to help my friend. so glad to be a support.
U have done well friend, without much help u have fought it real hard.. Really nice u have loved her so much and u both r doing well. It's the same that happened to me also, getting close to a year and we r doing much better.. Sam's videos were a big morale support
Thank you thank you thank you. That would be amazing to hear over defending like they didn't do anything wrong when they did and are doing in those moments are throwing gasoline onto us betrayed and lightning us on fire and just stand there and watch us burn again and again. Everyone knows when something is on fire everything around it will get scorched aswell. Just wish they could see putting us out first would be better then defending themselves while we turn to ash.
thank you for the kind words my friend. i'm sorry it's so tough.
I’m not gonna lie, this one is really hard for me. We get into these arguments and I always feel like I have to defend myself from when she says something I think is false. If I try to ignore it, it makes me feel like well i’m already bad enough, but now I’m trying to make up for stuff that isn’t true and it makes me feel so frustrated and helpless that I just have to take it, but I’m trying to pick my battles and learn to just let it go. Thank you for the video, it was really spot on.
you're very welcome. glad it helped you. i get it. but remember, defending yourself right now is only going to reinforce that you're not hearing her and not getting it.
A friend sent me this video link. I am the unfaithful. It is hard to swallow the areas that I dont feel are whe truths. But I am not the one who was hurt for such a long time. I am glad to have watched this video to give me the strength in not defending myself to let my partner vent and for me to understand. God bless.
so glad you're here. thanks for watching and commenting.
Thats right let them process their anger fears and vent it out. If they dont they hold it in and don't move forward
This was spot on for me exactly at the right time. I needed to hear this again. Stop defending yourself. Stop trying to defend the one little thing, because it's not helpful. I blew it recently, and hopefully eliminate defensiveness again quickly.
thank you for sharing eric. means a ton and thank you for the kind words.
Very helpful insights, thank you for putting these insights out here! Side-comment: I love the new haircut!!
hhhahaha thanks so much for the kind words and compliments. i'm trying something new with the hair. we'll see how long it lasts as it's higher maintenance. :)
Sometimes you need to let go of your ego completely and just let people express themselves. Detach yourself a little and just let them say whatever they need to say, no reactivity, just listen.
Thank you for this one!!
A little humility goes a LONG way.
Please tell me when the nightmares will end. I’m so angry and violent in my dreams, it’s awful.
The nightmares never went away for me.
My husband clame because he was drunk and cant remember it was not consentual so i need to get over it.
How did you find out?
get over it never works. i would get expert help as soon as possible my friend. you'll need expert help. you can draw boundaries and then enforce those boundaries. you have more power than you may think. here are a few helpful videos for that specific situation: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/when-betrayed-spouses-are-perceived-needy-or-codependent
Mine was similar...there were pictures by on an old phone our grandchild found...I decided to delete everything on there just in case. any of our stuff was on it , before letting her play with it, .well let's just say "that was a series of gut punches
I've always been in the role of the betrayed. That being said, I don't ever want to accuse anyone of something they aren't guilty of & if I've conjured up something in my mind that I've convinced myself is true or I've taken little snippets of information & strung together a false narrative, I want to know that that part is not true. Then I'm not continually wrongly accusing someone & I'm also not overthinking something that never was true to begin with. That's just me
Great videos. I have been so blessed and encouraged with ur video. But he is not just ready to leave his affair partner. What do I do.
This channel has videos for that very topic. Sorry I do not have the links but I assure you this is a good place for you to look over the many good videos Affair recovery puts out. Much love to you and all.
thanks for the vote of confidence my friend. means a ton.
i would take care of you. you can't make him stay and you don't want to. if you have to chase him to stay you'll have to chase him the entire marriage most likely. i would let him go and take care of you. work on you, heal you, love you and move on to the next chapter of your life. divorce care will help you for sure and finding a good support group so you're not alone. doing it alone makes it harder and harder but with support it's a bit easier for sure. you still have value and worth my friend. you deserve love and support.
year out and still haven’t learn this but i’m going to try not to defend what are lies about me. i don’t want the AP, i don’t think she was the greatest thing. I made some horrible decision. i was sick and i am trying to get healthy but i will submit to not defending the constant lies about me.
This is it.
Amen 🙏🏾
not to make it right but buried deep in defending one's self are not the deficiencies within the marriage that played a part in the act of infidelity uncovered?
BW “The deficiencies within the marriage” are felt by both spouses. Yet, the betrayed didn’t cheat. Bad choices belong to the person making bad choices. Perhaps what’s “buried deep in one’s self” is the deficiencies in the unmet emotional needs in their own childhood that they brought to the marriage & projected onto their spouse. Either way, the trusting betrayed spouse is blindsided.
(My name is Terry. This is my daughter’s account)
unfortunately it's a no win situation with that approach due to the fact that the unfaithful spouse cheated. if you want to create safety and if you want to reinforce love to the betrayed, the best way to win that all back is to hear them out and embrace what needs to be embraced and take the heat. the deficiencies within the marriage didn't make the unfaithful cheat to be honest. the betrayed probably felt deficiencies as well, but chose to respond to those deficiencies much differently and with much more integrity. trust me, i get it, i was an unfaithful too.
@@samshealingpodcast I love this reply. It's awesome that you own your actions without resorting to blaming your wife, and that you try to teach others to do the same .
@@leawade9664 10000000000%%%%% I was missing 1737382 things in my relationship and NEVER thought of cheating because I have the maturity to know IT IS WRONG and MAKE EVERYTHING GO WRONG EVEN MORE. I mean why would I want to just touch somebody’s else body? Just the thought of it makes me vomit. So yeah. NO needs being met in a relationship/marriage ARE never EVER a REASON or whatever to cheat or to think of cheating. Billions of people never cheated in their life yet they didn’t have their needs met.
@@samshealingpodcast thank you Samuel for the clarifications.
I was in a position where none of my « relationships needs » were met, yet I never thought of cheating.
Because I have values and maturity.
So yeah, billions of people will never think of cheating while having big deficiencies in their relationship.
But I see so many videos/articles/podcasts that say « people cheat because of needs not being met »
Huh what?
No people cheat because they are immature, selfish, have big past traumas/hurt they never took a look at. And just kept on going with their life and hurt people along the way.
When will the cheaters admit deep inside theirselves « I cheated because A LOT of things were WRONG with ME »
I so so so desperately needed to hear that and never had that full disclosure.
He just ended up the relationship because he can’t keep going on suffering in this relationship (just continuing of being selfish and just think of HIS NEEDS not being MET again while I am burninggggg and he keeps adding gasoline and he is surprised why he is also burning while holding the jerrycan?)
THIS IS ILLOGICAL.
Sorry for the rant
I feel… I have no more words